The fragments

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Red prayer rugs were wet by prostration.

Manuscripts that are open.

The wind is blowing.

There were things came over me since the day before yesterday. Glimmer of tranquility that surrounds the heart, made me linger alone with Him. When silence ambush, winds blow faster and faster. Make my heart disturbed, by a longing that was crowding my lungs.

Lord,
Do not remove this longing in my heart. That I missed the time alone with You like two days ago.

Indeed, so many odd feelings filled my heart recently. For several days anyway, I always wanted to write, but I don’t know from where I should start this story.
Then when the rain poured down, set me up in the feeling of loneliness that so compelled me.

Feeling alone, is the feeling that is so debilitating. Quite often I was alone. But lately, I feel like trapped by the black hole, which is increasingly drowning me in the deepest sorrow.

When Amril did his exam seminar last week, I decided to go to college along with Barkah. Then I began to realize, this loneliness, the more it subtles and worsen.

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2016, Amril’s Thesis Defense with Barkah

One-by-one, people finished their seminar this month. Made me even more afraid of the feeling of abandonment that is begin to be so excessive. I fear, fear of losing my friends.

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2016, Tito’s thesis defense

“I know how it feels, to end the bachelor degree and seeing your friends choosing different path. But it’s the cycle of life, it will give you excitement of welcoming new journey of life and meeting new people!”

What Hernan told me was true, but I always fear of alone. Fear of being left by my friends. They say, losing friends is one of the stages of growing old. If its so, I refuse to growing old.

You are abiding there, seeing your friends left and pursuing their own path. Is like the thing that I hope I will never see in my life.

But, the feeling of getting attached is torturing my happiness everyday and it is so hard to deal with that condition. I do not know, why is it so hard for me to take off the moment with people who had been stopped, and go in my life.

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July, 2016 Azizah is leaving to India

Life goes on. And so they are.

The feel of missing always ambush me within my loneliness, and the togetherness once we shared together, always eroding in every seconds in my life, as the memories become blurry. Then life happens, and they are now just a distant memory and name on my contact list.

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December, 2015 with Lucas

Lost. Is that life? Is that a necessity?

If everyone is able to accept the fact, why is it difficult for me to live without the shadows of people and companions?

Did’t I the one who expressed to myself that I could survive in an isolation?

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March 2016 with Kemal

One drop of water falling above the long red prayer rug.

Along with the winds flowing the melody strains of As-Saff from the Qur’an.

I missed a lot of people, now. Also, I would miss a lot of people who had stopped in the story of life that I lead, later.

But I always believed, everyone who stopped in our lives, God reunited with intent to teach us many things. And it is true. In-dependency, sincerity, patience, and even open our eyes and changed the way we view the world.

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August 2016, 8 hours meeting with Kursat

Although in the end, saying goodbye is the hardest thing when we have to realize that their story in our live is already “over”.

“Either to meet again one time or not at all, to remember forever or to forget altogether.”

As I always see people walking behind the station gates. When “see you again” which is always the sign that people will either treasure you or forgetting you very soon. I should have realized that life would always be running. And I should keep going.

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August, 2016 with Hernan

Life, I believe, would take me on new roads that will meets me with many people. That will teach me how I live my life, to be a fixture in every puzzles of story which my life would be incomplete without them. All I have to do is write it down, so that whenever I almost forget, I’ll always know on which sheet its stored and I can live the memory all over again.

Life, I believe, will always happens like what Allah’s will. The longing which always strongly comes into my life, would make me go back to where I belong.

Return to Him, makes me believe that I have nothing to lose. I believe, He will deliver a longing I feel to all my friends, there.

Hi, friends.

I send you all a warmest hello and a goodbye,

From faraway.

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